Every year around November I get phone calls from a lot of well meaning Christians asking if I know of a family to “adopt for Christmas”. This is an awkward moment for me, because I know the person on the line is excited to be a blessing to a family that is less fortunate than theirs, and I know that my answer to their question will generate a feeling of disappointment for them. You see, I am against the idea of Christians “adopting a family for Christmas”. And as much as we want to be a blessing to others we have to come to the reality that this type of giving, on it’s own, does not help anyone.

While there may be families suffering from a tragedy such as a house fire or the recent loss of a parent, the ratio of families suffering from tragedy to the number of would-be “givers” is very low. This means many families that should not be receiving “free merchandise” will be. Furthermore, giving gifts alone does not help families suffering from tragedy, there needs to be the hard work of a relational investment with the family in order for it to be a “true” blessing”. We need to be there for them the other 364 days of the year that they are suffering. 

In regards to giving to poor families in general, this is not a good idea. The effects on the people's sense of self worth and pride are devastating. Over time, receiving repeated charity of this kind will convince them that they do not “have what it takes” to provide for themselves and their family and a sense of entitlement sets in. For the giver, negative feelings may surface if they do not receive the type of thanks they feel is appropriate. Nothing dampens your cheerful feeling like showing up to a low-income families house with a bag full of presents only to find out that another church group had been there along with Toys for Tots and seeing the presents stacked up to the ceiling (I know this feeling because it happened to me once).

In the end we must commit to one thing when considering serving others and that is “above all, we will not do any harm”.We must examine the effects of our "good intentions". This is hard for a lot of us to swallow and some of us will spit it out, but the giving of gifts to the poor where there is no relationship and no way for them to give back to the giver is toxic and harmful.

Here is a short story written by Bob Lupton, a Christian Community Developer in Atlanta, Georgia, that drove home the idea that giving in this way can be toxic to the receiver:

CHRISTMAS AGAIN

The following excerpt is from Robert Lupton’s book Theirs is the Kingdom (Harper and Row, 

1990, reprinted by permission).

“Christmas again.” The words are barely audible, but his wife knows the feelings. She sees the hurt come into his eyes when the kids come home from school talking about what they want for Christmas. It’s the same expression she sees on the faces of other unemployed fathers around the housing project.

She knows this year will be no different than the last. All her husband’s hustle, his pickup jobs, his day labor, will not be enough to pay for presents under the tree. They will do well to keep the heat on. His confident, promising discussions will allow the children their dreams a little while longer. 

She will cover for him again because she knows that he’s a good man. His lies are his wishes. His flawed attempts to let his children know what the older ones know, but will never admit, that the gifts are not from daddy.He will not go with her to stand in the free toy lines with all the others. He cannot bring himself to do it. It’s too stark a reminder of his own impotence.

And if their home is blessed again this year with a visit from Christian family bearing food and beautifully wrapped presents for the kids, he will stay in the bedroom until they are gone. He will leave the smiling and the graciousness to his wife. His joy for the children will be genuine, but so is the heavy ache in his stomach as his image of himself as the provider is dealt another blow.

Christmas. That wonderful, awful time when giving hearts glow warm and bright, while fading embers of a poor man’s pride are doused black.